I stand before you not by choice, but out of necessity.
Too long have sharks evolved into the perfect killing machines of the deep. It is only a matter of time before these great animals grow arms and become the most terrifying creatures to ever roam this beautiful planet. I promise, at the very least, 85% of all your hard-earned tax dollars will go directly into research and development for S.W.A.P.F. (Sharks with Arms Prevention Foundation). S.W.A.P.F. was started in 2006 to rid the world of any sharks that had begun developing limbs. Do your part now and interact with others on Twitter that share your concerns by incorporating #SharksWithArms and #ChrisNager2012 into your tweets. Be sure to put a tick by my name, Chris Nager, on your 2012 presidential ballet.
Be proud to be an American where at least you know you're free (from nightmare creatures).
Think of the children.
Nager dans la paix. (Swim in peace.)
Thank you for your vote, America.